as a child i was often compared to varuka, the little girl from willy wonka and the chocolate factory who wanted a golden ticket now daddy. you remember her, she was awful. well my dad would call me that when i would pitch a fit over something dumb that i wanted.  awesome katherine. not embarrassing at all now as an adult.

thats how i feel today. i want things my way. i dont want to wait.  i want to hit my legs up and down and do a full out temper tantrum. can you that as a late twenty? yea, i didnt think so either.

so, i have to hold my head up high. and not freak out. (freaking out, im excellent at that, assuming the worst, thinking god forgot me, thinking people are out to get me) josh always has to remind me hes on my team. and right now i need to be reminded that god is on my team. hes on my side. he will fulfill his purpose for me. i have to and need to keep going back to that promise in a season where im confused and uncertain.

seasons where youre out of control and being in front/around people youre not close to are HARD. what do you say to people when you want to cry? want to run away? dont know your next step? what do you say? oh im good. bull. im crying at night actually, did you know that? ha, that would shock me if someone said that.

tonight i have to be around people who have something i want. and i have to smile for them. and not be jealous. and im ok. im not gonna be like varuca. even though, my heart will be.

but god has a plan for me. and i dont need to know it. i need to keep walking forward. not being in control. i was not made for control. if i was, then id be in control. but i was made to be a sheep. and sheep need shepherds. someone to watch, guard, and guide them. and i have a great shepherd, who actually gave up his life so that i could be guided my him. 

my friend just sent me a text kicking me in the butt for being selfish and saying that good things are coming my way. yes. i needed that.  and my hope is not in the things, but in the giver of those things. and i dont live there. and i long to. i long to live knowing that god loves me and has good things for me. he gave me his son. duh! thats proof.

ok im not gonna be varuca, but charlie, who was so overwhelmed with the gift and full of thankfulness. and i want to be overwhelmed with the gift of grace and christ right now.

in college i shared a suite with a girl who struggles with seasonal depression. i remember wondering what exactly is it about the weather/time of year that triggers something in you to be depressed. i really didnt understand…

turns out i would not be in the dark about seasonal depression for very long. that i too would begin my own bout of struggling with seasonal depression.

i hate february. i hate valentines day.

my dad died on valentines day, 2009. so three days ago it had been one year. one year. one whole year.

about two weeks ago something in me snapped, like a light switched on. enter seasonal depression. i cant shake it off. im really down/sad/somber about missing my dad.

its been a year, i feel should be over it. that i should fine now. honestly a month ago i was honestly doing ok. but then something just came over me, like this dark miserable cloud. i wish it would go away, but its not. they say the first anniversary is hard. why is it so hard? its just a normal day. except in the back of mind im reminded that this time last year was dad’s viewing at the funeral home.

ahh…i lived through this. seems like such a daze. my dad really died. hes not coming back. not until christ comes back.

i feel like such a baby that is pitching a fit. i want my dad back! i want to talk to him!

and i just wish that gods character would be enough to carry me through this. and it is enough. but some days im so stuck on my own stuff and my own self its all i can think through. i wish i didnt define or comphrend god according to my own terms.

anyone got any advice on dealing with this? im open to suggestions…

just wanted to inform my avid blog readers, there are so many of you, of something exciting that is possibly happening my life.

i am a possible match for being a bone marrow donor!

about two weeks ago a random 1-800- number called and left me a message asking if i remembered registering in college to be a bone marrow donor. i barely remembered but i called the lady back. as we started talking my mind was jogged. during my sophomore year at pc i donated blood to go into this bank so that people that need a bone marrow transplant could see if im their type and they would possibly use mine. when i signed up, i thought nothing of it. honestly, i did it cause my friend cassie was sponsoring project life (the organization at pc for bone marrow donating). i never thought i would get that phone call.

anyways, the lady and i talked and i am a possible match! so last week i went to the hospital and gave lots of blood for them to test. i should find out in like a month if i am a match.

yall, please pray i am this persons match.

i really want to be able to help a person live. to be able to help someone’s someone live. can you imagine if there was a way for my dad to have lived if a stranger had given something. words cant even describe it. each time the lady and i talk she continues to ask, “is this ok? do you want to continue?” im like, heck yes! what if that someone that could of helped my dad didnt because they were too scared of being uncomfortable.  i think i would of showed up at their house and taken their bone marrow myself.

i find myself thinking about my possible match all the time. there is a person, a daughter/son/sister/brother/mother/father/best friend/cousin/etc out there that is waiting to live. and they are waiting to know if i am their actual perfect type. please pray that i am. it would be my complete joy and honor to help another live.

as i try to wrap my mind around all of this, i cant even begin grasping how this is what christ did for us. he gave up his life so we could live. i would just be uncomfortable for 3 weeks.

first off, i apologize that i have not written in so long. pure laziness on my part, i kept thinking, “oh ill do it later.”

anyways, i am reading the book, the shack, right now. i know what youre probably thinking, “is she even a christian?” haha. yes i am a believer, and i have grown to really appreciate this book.

the shack is a story of how god is committed to his children and will do anything to draw them back to himself. its about this man named mack who is so mad at god because of the ways god has failed him: giving him an abusive alcoholic father and having a daughter abducted and murdered. seriously, who would not be bitter about that being their life story?

well god being god allures him into the desert (hosea) in order that mack will one day return to god. and of all the places they meet, its at the shack that his youngest daughter was raped and killed. miserable. hell no would i want to go and meet god where god displayed his abandonment to me most.

but at this shack mack learns that god has never, not even once, abandoned him. he meets god (this is where all the controversy begins) because god appears to him outside of macks own religious stereotypes and baffles macks own mind that god is neither male nor female, cannot be defined, or put into a box. and mack learns of gods tender heart towards him. that god has loved, deeply deeply loved mack since the beginning. and his father and daughter were not mere punishments for not being godly enough. they were simple products/outcomes of a fallen world. a fallen world that was asked for because man wanted independence from god. i love this line in the book where jesus is telling mack, “You demanded your independence, and now youre angry with the one who loved you enough to give it to you.”

we sinned against god. and we dont get the punishment. christ did. seriously?

yes i understand that this back does not fit nicely into systematic theology. but, this book simply displays gods heart for his people and how  god suffers with his people. it has helped me see that god has not left me in my pain. he really holds me me it and walks with me. i know it sounds so clique, but its whats true. god has been with me every step of the way: helping dad walk while he was still home,  in the hospital holding dads hand, and holding holding his cold hand after he died. and god continues to be with me as i learn how to do life without my dad.

during my senior year of high school i read the short story, a rose for emily, by william faulker, in my ap lit class. its a story about this woman whose lover dies and she never gets rid of his body. just keeps it in a secret room where she has him dressed in a nightshirt. of course this is not discovered until after emily dies and the townspeople visit her house. they discover all of his belongings and his body lying on the bed where next to him is a pillow which includes a dent the size of a head and a gray hair on the pillow. this implies that emily would often lay next to his body just to be near him.

tonight i was able to be near my dad, i visited his grave. i laid down beside it and talked to him. i told him that i missed him and wished he were still here. and i asked if what he would tell me if he could tell me anything now. as i have stated earlier, im having a hard time moving on. i asked him to grant me permission to move on if that is what he wants. i know that is what he will want. he would not want me to hold back on account of him. dad’s brother died while he was in college, and dad moved on. i know he would want me to.

anyways, tonight as i left the grave i was reminded of the last time i actually was in my fathers presence. it was the night of the viewing, before his funeral. i was alone with him, well him and most of my closest and sweetest friends were with me too. and i talked to his dead body and thanked him for being my dad. i thanked him for sacrificing so much so my life could be normal. i prayed and told him that one day soon i would be joining him in heaven, that this was just a waiting period before we were reunited again. and then i left the room. and never looked at my dads body again.

i totally understand why emily never got rid of her lovers body. she still had him with her. she was able to hug, hold, look at, and touch his body. i miss being able to do that with my dad. i miss his smell and his laugh. i miss his wisdom and insight into things. sometimes im just jealous that emily still got his body, got to be near him, got to touch him.

im gonna be reunited with my dad. it wont be this side of heaven. but i will see him again, when jesus comes back.

and so now we celebrate christmas, the coming of christ for the first time. we celebrate his coming so that we can now have hope in the midst of deep darkness, that sin and oppression will not win. christ really did come, and he is coming again. and i long to look forward to that day…

whats a girl gotta do?

in my house we laugh a lot! the other night one of my roommates who has curlier hair than myself asked the question, “whats a girl gotta do to get a Z5 BMW?” although a fancy car like that would be nice, i simply want to know whats a girl gotta do to get on your christmas card list?

thats right. its christmas card season and i have not received many. now, i understand that i do not send one out, therefore people do not automatically think to place me on their card list. thats understandable. im not talking about those people. im talking about all the kids i babysit.

seriously, i babysit a ton. so one would think i might be on the highly esteemed christmas card list, but im not. as i have been in all these houses this christmas season, i have seen these adorable cards with precious pictures of these kids. i know they are out there. id like one. 

so all im asking is whats a girl gotta do to get on your christmas card list?

change your kids explosive stinky diaper that makes you want to vomit?  if that doesnt warrant a card then i dont know what does…

so last night i watched the movie, the nativity story, and it rocked my world. seriously, it has now joined my top five favorite movies. (for your interest the other four include titanic, finding neverland, love actually, and pride and prejudice). oh, i could watch those over and over again…

im not one for super spiritual and cheesy things. and i know by the sound of the movie one would think its real cheesy, but its not. its just an actual movie that puts the birth of christ in a real personal light, lets us see what it was really like back then.

yall mary had never had sex and she was pregnant! weve grown up saying and knowing that, but do we really grasp that fact? god PUT a baby in her womb. i freak out and wonder if god will ever provide for me when little details are not lining up the way i would prefer them to. and god really does what he pleases, he PUT a baby in her tummy all for his glory.

how intense it must have been for jospeh to find his future wife, who is supposed to be remaining pure, preggers! i love how the movie handles that situation. you can really see the shame on marys families faces and the anger in josephs. everyone thought mary was crazy, but she knew she wasnt. the angel had told her. that is all she had to go off. today, i have the whole word of god and his holy spirit to go off of in order to believe and have faith, and my faith is nothing like marys.

i know im not a parent or anything so i dont quite know what it is like to parent a child. but can you imagine preparing to attempt parenting the son of god? in the movie joseph says something like, “what will i be able to teach the son of god?” so true and humbling

i think the wise men were my favorite part of the movie. all they knew of the this future messiah was that there was to be a star. so they followed it. again, following a star, thats not normal. they gave up comfort, food, their families, all that they had in order to welcome the messiah. it took days, no months, for them to travel, by camel have you, so that they could worship their king.

honestly, such a perspective  building movie…highly highly recommend it. at the end i really just worshipped jesus, that god became flesh. i love that word emmanuel, god with us. god is not just seated in his throne, but he is now intimately with us. he gave up all to be with us, in order to draw us near god. i dont think i realize what a huge deal that really is. he humbled himself, became human for a whole bunch of sinners who really dont deserve it, in order to present us to god. wow, thats humbling…

so if you are not quite in the christmas spirit, or the actual true christmas spirit, not just buddy the elf spirit, watch this movie!

everyone back then lived their lives waiting for this messiah, and he actually came. god really does fulfill his promises katherine. he is not slow.

while i realize my blog is a place for me to vent and process all that is going on, i dont want to be debbie downer the whole time. so yesterday and today some fun little things have happened that have allowed me to smile. i shall share them with you now:

dr. pepper with ice in a styrofoam cup. that is my absolute favorite drink in the world. i love dr. pepper, its so dependable and sweet. i dont like to drink beverages out of glasses, unless it is wine. something about the glass makes the drink condensate more in my mind. so i always prefer plastic. but really i will always prefer styrofoam, even though its so ungreen, it keeps the drink cold and the ice from melting. there is nothing better than taking a sip out of a styrofoam cup…blissful.

today i got a full tank of gas. i honestly cannot tell you the last time i filled my car all the way up. normally im a ten dollars at a time kind of girl. but today i just kept going. i filled all 20 gallons of the finder of the path up. feel like i could drive to new york with all my gas.

glee was nominated for four golden globes. for the longest time the office has been my favorite tv show. that is, until now! my heart now belongs to glee. its a fabulous show that has excellent plot lines and great characters! i love each of the characters dearly, they remind me of me in highs school. but the best thing about this show is the singing and dancing to songs that we all know and love each week! thats right, each week there are new songs with choreographed dancing. i LOVE choreographed dancing. to get a high no need for drugs, just everyone moving their right leg on the same beat at the same time. its just incredible. not only does glee make me happy, but it provides me with goose bumps every wednesday night. cant wait to watch them win all their much needed and due awards!

its been ten months today. ten, that freaks me out. the number of months is now in the double digits. my life is moving forward. im getting farther and farther away from when my dad was alive.

i had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. lets be honest, i have always had a hard time getting out bed. isnt the bed just the greatest invention? cold air in the room, warm sheets, great pillow, etc. love my bed. anyways, it was hard to get out this morning cause i didnt want the day to start. once my day starts, then dad has officially been dead ten months.

im not at all an animal lover. i am actually annoyed by most pets. (i am also extremely allergic to animals). but, the movie marley and me gets to me everytime. theres a scene at the end of the movie where marley dies. i shows marley suffering in pain and his owner right there by his side, loving him. marley fights for his last breath, closes his eyes and dies. always makes me wonder what was it like for my dad to die?

ten months and eighteen days ago my dad stopped eating. he had lewy body dementia therefore, he forgot how to eat. for eighteen days my brothers, sister, mom and i called the nursing home to see what his latest condition was like. they put water in his mouth, but dad would not swallow it. i remember all the doctors would say things like, “youd me amazed at the human body can keep going even without the nutrients it needs.”

those were the hardest eighteen days. my life felt like it was in a stand still. i waited all the time for my mom to call. my mind was filled with thoughts of my dad lying in his bed just waiting to die.

i last time i saw him alive was one week before he died. it was an impulse trip i decided to make. my amazing friend, katie, came down from tennessee to go with me to the nursing home. when i walked in the room to see him, it was the weirdest and yet most fabulous moment ever. he smelled and was covered in sores. his hair was nasty and his mouth had stuff all over it. but i didnt care. i was in the presence of my dad. he was lying in bed. i grabbed his hand. he squeezed my hand and made noises. i sang to him all the songs he sang to me. i prayed for him for a long time. told him that one day soon we would be reunited in heaven. thanked him for being my dad. told him that i will love him forever.

again, he squeezed my hand and made noises. what a cherished gift! for about a year dad had forgotten who he and everyone was around him. but one week before he died, he knew i was little daughter, his kax.

dad died about ten am. the nurses didnt find him until noon. what was it like for him to take his last breath? doctors say he was unaware, that he didnt know what was happening.

this all still feels so surreal. did any of this really happen to me?

i have to say, i do an incredible job faking it and acting like im fine. but deep down, im still really sad and miss my dad.

heres our last picture together:

so i do a lot of babysitting. one could say im a professional babysitter. currently as i write this post, there are five sleeping children upstairs that i had the privilege of watching tonight.

i highly recommend babysitting if you are ever insecure about your life. its great. for a morning, afternoon, or night you get to play mom. and because youre not the real mom, the kids dont really respond to you. you get to be put into place as you learn you do not make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches correctly. your pride is shot as a child yells at you to do the bath the right way. i have learned that i do most things “not the way we do it (insert intense whine).” so if you ever are struggling with pride in thinking you are on top of the world, come watch some kids for a night. youll learn youre not all that.

another thing that is funny about babysitting is how you learn about all sorts of families. and the other families know that you are in the other families’ homes. therefore, people always ask me, “how does __ do it?” i love it. i feel like such a font of knowledge.

please know i am not saying any of this sarcastically. there are a couple families in the greenville area that have really taken me in and allowed me to be a part of their family as i minister to their children. and i am so thankful for it. i feel like each time i spend with kids i am getting more and more prepared to one day be a mom. now we just need to work on finding the father…