Like this:

its been ten months today. ten, that freaks me out. the number of months is now in the double digits. my life is moving forward. im getting farther and farther away from when my dad was alive.

i had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. lets be honest, i have always had a hard time getting out bed. isnt the bed just the greatest invention? cold air in the room, warm sheets, great pillow, etc. love my bed. anyways, it was hard to get out this morning cause i didnt want the day to start. once my day starts, then dad has officially been dead ten months.

im not at all an animal lover. i am actually annoyed by most pets. (i am also extremely allergic to animals). but, the movie marley and me gets to me everytime. theres a scene at the end of the movie where marley dies. i shows marley suffering in pain and his owner right there by his side, loving him. marley fights for his last breath, closes his eyes and dies. always makes me wonder what was it like for my dad to die?

ten months and eighteen days ago my dad stopped eating. he had lewy body dementia therefore, he forgot how to eat. for eighteen days my brothers, sister, mom and i called the nursing home to see what his latest condition was like. they put water in his mouth, but dad would not swallow it. i remember all the doctors would say things like, “youd me amazed at the human body can keep going even without the nutrients it needs.”

those were the hardest eighteen days. my life felt like it was in a stand still. i waited all the time for my mom to call. my mind was filled with thoughts of my dad lying in his bed just waiting to die.

i last time i saw him alive was one week before he died. it was an impulse trip i decided to make. my amazing friend, katie, came down from tennessee to go with me to the nursing home. when i walked in the room to see him, it was the weirdest and yet most fabulous moment ever. he smelled and was covered in sores. his hair was nasty and his mouth had stuff all over it. but i didnt care. i was in the presence of my dad. he was lying in bed. i grabbed his hand. he squeezed my hand and made noises. i sang to him all the songs he sang to me. i prayed for him for a long time. told him that one day soon we would be reunited in heaven. thanked him for being my dad. told him that i will love him forever.

again, he squeezed my hand and made noises. what a cherished gift! for about a year dad had forgotten who he and everyone was around him. but one week before he died, he knew i was little daughter, his kax.

dad died about ten am. the nurses didnt find him until noon. what was it like for him to take his last breath? doctors say he was unaware, that he didnt know what was happening.

this all still feels so surreal. did any of this really happen to me?

i have to say, i do an incredible job faking it and acting like im fine. but deep down, im still really sad and miss my dad.

heres our last picture together:

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