as a child i was often compared to varuka, the little girl from willy wonka and the chocolate factory who wanted a golden ticket now daddy. you remember her, she was awful. well my dad would call me that when i would pitch a fit over something dumb that i wanted. awesome katherine. not embarrassing at all now as an adult.
thats how i feel today. i want things my way. i dont want to wait. i want to hit my legs up and down and do a full out temper tantrum. can you that as a late twenty? yea, i didnt think so either.
so, i have to hold my head up high. and not freak out. (freaking out, im excellent at that, assuming the worst, thinking god forgot me, thinking people are out to get me) josh always has to remind me hes on my team. and right now i need to be reminded that god is on my team. hes on my side. he will fulfill his purpose for me. i have to and need to keep going back to that promise in a season where im confused and uncertain.
seasons where youre out of control and being in front/around people youre not close to are HARD. what do you say to people when you want to cry? want to run away? dont know your next step? what do you say? oh im good. bull. im crying at night actually, did you know that? ha, that would shock me if someone said that.
tonight i have to be around people who have something i want. and i have to smile for them. and not be jealous. and im ok. im not gonna be like varuca. even though, my heart will be.
but god has a plan for me. and i dont need to know it. i need to keep walking forward. not being in control. i was not made for control. if i was, then id be in control. but i was made to be a sheep. and sheep need shepherds. someone to watch, guard, and guide them. and i have a great shepherd, who actually gave up his life so that i could be guided my him.
my friend just sent me a text kicking me in the butt for being selfish and saying that good things are coming my way. yes. i needed that. and my hope is not in the things, but in the giver of those things. and i dont live there. and i long to. i long to live knowing that god loves me and has good things for me. he gave me his son. duh! thats proof.
ok im not gonna be varuca, but charlie, who was so overwhelmed with the gift and full of thankfulness. and i want to be overwhelmed with the gift of grace and christ right now.
